Sep 8, 2016
Chip just recently got a speeding ticket and that brought Chip
and Cern back to when Cern helped Chip get a ticket, Cern's '87 5.0
Mustang and which one of their friends had the worst driving
Thanks for telling a friend about the Chip and Cern
Chip and Cern are still on the Saint Archer kick this week
with their IPA and Cern is going to put this in his rotation. Drink
is great, but what doesn’t go well with drinking is driving.
Chip recently got himself a speeding ticket for the first time
in a long time. Cern’s last ticket was when he was 17 on some
U-Turn on a red light, and because he was minor they had to call
Chip’s last ticket was with Cern in the car. Chip, Cern and
their other buddies would frequent Hooters weekly. More on this
later there is a tangent thrown in.
Chip’s ticket count is now at 5 to Cern’s one
Chip “got fucked” on one ticket in a construction zone. There
was 6 cars ahead that all went through a red light when he was
being waived through by a construction worker, got pulled over and
got a ticket. He didn’t have his paperwork in his car. When the
ticket was supposed to be sent, so for months Chip had to intercept
the mail to get the ticket because the car was in his parent’s
name. The ticket came and it was $1003 and Chip only had the $3 to
cover. Chip had to take it to the appeals court to contest the
ticket. He showed up on the date and the officer had already showed
up several days earlier and there was a bench warrant out for Chip.
They decided on a new date and the cop did show up the second time.
He got it down to about $300, but couldn’t do traffic school
because it was too close to his other stop sign ticket he had. So
Chip had to suck it up, pay the fine and take the points on his
The epic story about Chip’s other ticket involves, like many
things, Cern. Because Chip, Cern and their buddies weren’t 21
Hooters was a cool play to go get some wings and some ice tea on a
Thursday night, plus there was girls there that would act like they
were into you. Chip and Cern were too young and stupid to realize
they were trying to get better tips. They went once when they were
21 and it clicked that the beer is way over priced, and the girls
weren’t actually into you. Once this clicked they started going to
Stingers, a local Sacramento State dive bar or Pine Cove another
Sacramento dive for their $2 pitchers of PBR. Somehow there was a
Chip and Cern Show event at the Pine Cove and met some fans there
and proceeded to get blitzed out of our mind. Chip was really
nervous cause he thought that these people really needed them to be
funny. This is the 1 time Chip has done karaoke to Baby Got Back
and then 10 mins later was hanging out Tony’s car puking as he
drove down I-80.
Back to Hooters story. One night Chip and Cern brought 12
people to trivia and ended up winning some gift cards to GoKart
racing in Sacramento. There was no drinking involved and everyone
was excited about the trivia win, so they wanted to go use the
GoKart tickets right away. Chip and Cern actually raced over there
at very unsafe speeds. Chip recalls feeling really stupid after
they got there because of how safe it was. They got to the GoKart
place and you had to be in the cool suits and you never needed to
hit the breaks. Sliding around corners bumping friends they had a
blast. The gravity of the stupidity of the racing over to the
GOKart, plus the fun racing of the gokarts made Chip thing we
should just take it easy on the drive back home. They drove the
speed limit the entire drive home.
Now for the story!
On Business 80 in the fast lane going 65. Stat boy Dana in the
front seat, Cern and Tony in the back. There is no car in sight,
they are in the carpool lane driving along. Out of nowhere a
motorcycle comes us behind them and riding their bumper. Only
lights in the rear view mirror. Chip remembers commenting about
this fucking guy riding the bumper and lets off the gas to slow
down and even gave a break tap or two. In retrospect Chip just
should have moved over a lane and let the moto pass by, but that
didn’t happen and they just rode it out. Chip continues to slow
down to around 60. The moto slows down as well and then comes out
to pass. Cern said he remembers thinking “Im gonna give this guy
the finger,” and Chip looks back and sees Cern plastering his
middle finger right up against the window. Chip then saw the
motorcycle get closer and said “FUCK that is a COP!” Cern was
flying full bird at the copper. From Cern’s POV the cop saw
Cern hit the breaks and pulled back behind Chip’s car.
Sure enough the cop pulled over Chip and the rest of the slap
dicks. The cop came up really aggressively and started yelling at
the car saying “you guys have something to say about me.” He asked
if we knew why he pulled us over and he said Chip was speeding.
Chip tried to explain himself, but the cop was being an asshole and
trying to say Chip was going 65 in a 60. The officer goes
back to his car and radios in and someone spoke up they knew Chip,
so the cop came back and said he would take care of it, but still
gave Chip the speeding ticket.
Chip called the guy whom the cop said “would take care of it”
and was told that it sounds like Chip needs to learn a lesson cause
of his idiot friends. Chip then had to bribe Stat Boy Dana at 7am
to come to court to contest the ticket. Cern didn’t get the invite
to that court date. The officer no showed, so the ticket got thrown
So now to current day, Chip explains his most recent ticket.
Chip, his wife and young daughter were headed up to wine country
for some cycling. This was about 7 or 8am and it was 2 lane
highway and Chip likes to dive fast to get places in a decent
amount of time. He was weaving in and out because people who are
going the speed limit in the fast lane. Chip got pulled over and he
was told that he was speed. The officer asked how fast Chip was
going he didn’t know how fast he was going, Chip didn’t know the
speed limit, so he was fucked. The officer kinda gave Chip the “I
just want you to be safe and not die” speech, but still gave Chip
the ticket. He gave him a ticket for 75 in a 60, so that was nice.
Chip was thinking how much a pain in the ass taking care of this is
and come to find out you can do all this shit online. Traffic
school was only $17 bucks and he was playing Pokemon Go and took
his traffic school during his airport delay. He took it so fast the
program told him he should take some more time to study the
Do you have any good stories about getting pulled over or
tickets you got yourself? Tweet at @chipandcernshow or email your
stories to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Chip and Cern agree that Tony was the worst driver our of the
group. He got his license suspended in high school because he had
so many tickets in a short amount of time.
Joe had a few tickets, but Chip and Cern think Joe has a few.
They also guessed that Stat Boy Dana might not have any or that
Chip and Cern don’t have Instagram or Snapchat. If you want
some stickers send us a tweet or a shout on Facebook.
Chip and Cern tried to wrap it up, but a tangent reboots the
convo. Cern had a 1987 5.0 Ford Mustang with exhaust, big ass sound
system and all the bells and whistles. Cern despite not having many
tickets has gotten pulled over many times.
He forgot his wallet at his house and turned around to go get
it at Tony’s house. Cern had IcyHot on his legs, which smelled like
cough syrup and the cop asked him what the smell was and Cern gave
him some smart ass answer. The cop had 4 more officers show up and
they made Cern blow the breathalyzer. He passed and the cop flicked
him the blow dongle thing and made some dick comment to
Chip and Cern Pro Tip: If you see a cop setting up for a speed
trap don’t hit the breaks and freak out cause that draws attention
to you just let off the gas.
As always we appreciate you spreading the word with your
friends, coworkers, family and churchgoing community members.
The Hits v1
and The Hits v2
are a great into to the Chip and Cern
, so share those!
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