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Chip and Cern Show

Sep 8, 2016

Chip just recently got a speeding ticket and that brought Chip and Cern back to when Cern helped Chip get a ticket, Cern's '87 5.0 Mustang and which one of their friends had the worst driving record. 
Thanks for telling a friend about the Chip and Cern Show!
Chip and Cern are still on the Saint Archer kick this week with their IPA and Cern is going to put this in his rotation. Drink is great, but what doesn’t go well with drinking is driving.
Chip recently got himself a speeding ticket for the first time in a long time. Cern’s last ticket was when he was 17 on some U-Turn on a red light, and because he was minor they had to call his parents. 
Chip’s last ticket was with Cern in the car. Chip, Cern and their other buddies would frequent Hooters weekly. More on this later there is a tangent thrown in.
Chip’s ticket count is now at 5 to Cern’s one ticket. 
Chip “got fucked” on one ticket in a construction zone. There was 6 cars ahead that all went through a red light when he was being waived through by a construction worker, got pulled over and got a ticket. He didn’t have his paperwork in his car. When the ticket was supposed to be sent, so for months Chip had to intercept the mail to get the ticket because the car was in his parent’s name. The ticket came and it was $1003 and Chip only had the $3 to cover. Chip had to take it to the appeals court to contest the ticket. He showed up on the date and the officer had already showed up several days earlier and there was a bench warrant out for Chip. They decided on a new date and the cop did show up the second time. He got it down to about $300, but couldn’t do traffic school because it was too close to his other stop sign ticket he had. So Chip had to suck it up, pay the fine and take the points on his driving record. 
The epic story about Chip’s other ticket involves, like many things, Cern. Because Chip, Cern and their buddies weren’t 21 Hooters was a cool play to go get some wings and some ice tea on a Thursday night, plus there was girls there that would act like they were into you. Chip and Cern were too young and stupid to realize they were trying to get better tips. They went once when they were 21 and it clicked that the beer is way over priced, and the girls weren’t actually into you. Once this clicked they started going to Stingers, a local Sacramento State dive bar or Pine Cove another Sacramento dive for their $2 pitchers of PBR. Somehow there was a Chip and Cern Show event at the Pine Cove and met some fans there and proceeded to get blitzed out of our mind. Chip was really nervous cause he thought that these people really needed them to be funny. This is the 1 time Chip has done karaoke to Baby Got Back and then 10 mins later was hanging out Tony’s car puking as he drove down I-80. 
Back to Hooters story. One night Chip and Cern brought 12 people to trivia and ended up winning some gift cards to GoKart racing in Sacramento. There was no drinking involved and everyone was excited about the trivia win, so they wanted to go use the GoKart tickets right away. Chip and Cern actually raced over there at very unsafe speeds. Chip recalls feeling really stupid after they got there because of how safe it was. They got to the GoKart place and you had to be in the cool suits and you never needed to hit the breaks. Sliding around corners bumping friends they had a blast. The gravity of the stupidity of the racing over to the GOKart, plus the fun racing of the gokarts made Chip thing we should just take it easy on the drive back home. They drove the speed limit the entire drive home.
Now for the story! 
On Business 80 in the fast lane going 65. Stat boy Dana in the front seat, Cern and Tony in the back. There is no car in sight, they are in the carpool lane driving along. Out of nowhere a motorcycle comes us behind them and riding their bumper. Only lights in the rear view mirror. Chip remembers commenting about this fucking guy riding the bumper and lets off the gas to slow down and even gave a break tap or two. In retrospect Chip just should have moved over a lane and let the moto pass by, but that didn’t happen and they just rode it out. Chip continues to slow down to around 60. The moto slows down as well and then comes out to pass. Cern said he remembers thinking “Im gonna give this guy the finger,” and Chip looks back and sees Cern plastering his middle finger right up against the window. Chip then saw the motorcycle get closer and said “FUCK that is a COP!” Cern was flying full bird at the copper.  From Cern’s POV the cop saw Cern hit the breaks and pulled back behind Chip’s car. 
Sure enough the cop pulled over Chip and the rest of the slap dicks. The cop came up really aggressively and started yelling at the car saying “you guys have something to say about me.” He asked if we knew why he pulled us over and he said Chip was speeding. Chip tried to explain himself, but the cop was being an asshole and trying to say Chip was going 65 in a  60. The officer goes back to his car and radios in and someone spoke up they knew Chip, so the cop came back and said he would take care of it, but still gave Chip the speeding ticket. 
Chip called the guy whom the cop said “would take care of it” and was told that it sounds like Chip needs to learn a lesson cause of his idiot friends. Chip then had to bribe Stat Boy Dana at 7am to come to court to contest the ticket. Cern didn’t get the invite to that court date. The officer no showed, so the ticket got thrown out.
So now to current day, Chip explains his most recent ticket. Chip, his wife and young daughter were headed up to wine country for some cycling. This was about 7 or 8am and it was  2 lane highway and Chip likes to dive fast to get places in a  decent amount of time. He was weaving in and out because people who are going the speed limit in the fast lane. Chip got pulled over and he was told that he was speed. The officer asked how fast Chip was going he didn’t know how fast he was going, Chip didn’t know the speed limit, so he was fucked. The officer kinda gave Chip the “I just want you to be safe and not die” speech, but still gave Chip the ticket. He gave him a ticket for 75 in a 60, so that was nice. Chip was thinking how much a pain in the ass taking care of this is and come to find out you can do all this shit online. Traffic school was only $17 bucks and he was playing Pokemon Go and took his traffic school during his airport delay. He took it so fast the program told him he should take some more time to study the test. 
Do you have any good stories about getting pulled over or tickets you got yourself? Tweet at @chipandcernshow or email your stories to
Chip and Cern agree that Tony was the worst driver our of the group. He got his license suspended in high school because he had so many tickets in a short amount of time. 
Joe had a few tickets, but Chip and Cern think Joe has a few. They also guessed that Stat Boy Dana might not have any or that many tickets. 
Chip and Cern don’t have Instagram or Snapchat. If you want some stickers send us a tweet or a shout on Facebook. 
Chip and Cern tried to wrap it up, but a tangent reboots the convo. Cern had a 1987 5.0 Ford Mustang with exhaust, big ass sound system and all the bells and whistles. Cern despite not having many tickets has gotten pulled over many times. 
He forgot his wallet at his house and turned around to go get it at Tony’s house. Cern had IcyHot on his legs, which smelled like cough syrup and the cop asked him what the smell was and Cern gave him some smart ass answer. The cop had 4 more officers show up and they made Cern blow the breathalyzer. He passed and the cop flicked him the blow dongle thing and made some dick comment to him. 
Chip and Cern Pro Tip: If you see a cop setting up for a speed trap don’t hit the breaks and freak out cause that draws attention to you just let off the gas.
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Thanks again to Michael Spiegel Design for the great logo.
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